Why does every story or advice about beginning a new beginning start with destroying the past? Shutting the book, lighting it on fire and then pissing on the ashes as you screech away to your new "future"?
Whatever happened to "remembering your past, where you came from?" When did loving the place that you were become so unhealthy?
Is it when immigrants were busy cooking their home foods for their families? Working their fingers to the bones and asking their children who were slowly becoming "Americanized" to remember to honor their ancestors and their traditions and values?
My situation is not that extreme but it seems like every time I put something about missing my family and friends on facebook or I straight tell my family and friends that I miss them, I get told to move on, and to focus on my new life and my new future. I'm told to get excited about my new house that I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed with decorating. I'm asked about my children's future, the school they will go to, what activities I'm going to put them in, when I'm going to get them back into the things they like to do.
You know what my kids like to do? They like to go on hikes with their Grandma. They like to eat big meals at my parents table and sit next to their Dad Dad and eat his special Dad Dad noodles made special for them alone. They prefer to ride in my Dad's vehicle because its big and room and the doors light up fun colors and they can take a snooze without their mom screeching that they are ruining bedtime. They like to dig holes in the garden, fill the bird feeders. They like to get new clothes from their Aunt Pam and play with Cousin Colin. They love to go to the YMCA and see Mr. Joey for preschool and pretend to be beside themselves with anguish when I leave them for an hour to workout in the kindercare. And they LOVE LOVE LOVE to swim. How do I get them back to that? How do I make new memories without erasing the old ones? The ones that are so important to me that they remember? The past that I don't want them to forget. The book they need to shut in order to start new? The book I refuse to put back on the shelf because I don't think its done, I haven't finished writing in it.
This week we buy the house, my anxiety is so bad that I can hardly leave the hotel room. I find that the fact I got out of bed a win today. But the kids helped push that. The kids and the maid who wanted to change the sheets. I love fresh sheets. If I won the lottery the first thing I would do would be to hire someone who would change my 4000 count sheets everyday. Completely beside my point.
The point is, new beginnings don't have to completely destroy the past do they? I'm not naive to think things won't change, but I'm hoping that in my effort to move to my new beginning, that I don't lose all the things I love about where I came from.
Love (my past),
Carrie
Monday, March 31, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
“being alone never felt right. sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.” ― Charles Bukowski, Women
So today is the first day we go out and socialize, see other people. Of course its people from Seth's work, so I'm sure we will be drowning in work talk and I will get horrible bored and be the only person paying attention to my kids destroy these people new house.
We have our own little community of ex-pats here, transplant from LM Omaha to LM Colorado Springs. It seems though, that I'm the only wife stupid enough to get talked into living in a hotel room for 30 days with my tiny humans.
The room by the way, has taken on a funk. I like to blame Seth for it. One night we discovered the coolers really didn't "Keep things cold for 5 days!" as advertised so boldly on the giant stickers that no one ever takes off. Why don't we take those off? I went to take ours off and Seth looked at me like I was crazy. What is there some kind of secret man instructions on there?
Anyway, we scrambled to rearrange the freezer to save the expensive meat that was more important than the frozen meals I was using. Seth decided to cook cookies, then he decided to bake some bacon. So our room has smelled terrible since. That and the fact that we brought our own GIANT trash can but conviently forgot the lid. So we have an open air trashcan, that admittedly, gets emptied once a day, but in 500 sq ft and one shit filled diaper and the weird cookie/bacon funk, means I've got the heat on and the windows open.
Also I am exceedingly grateful that the movers refused to pack the aerosol air fresheners from my stockpile and Seth just threw the box in the back of the truck.
I realized today after the maid came thru that she must think I have OCD. We have our own vaccuum, and entire rubbermaid with cleaning supplies, a box of aerosol air fresheners, and gobs of hand sanitizer and hand soap. I also pick up the room before I leave to make sure she can get clean whatever it is she is cleaning. I mostly do it for the fresh sheets and towels. Today though I was annoyed that there was still obvious small people kisses and hand prints all over the closet mirrors. I know you have windex, and if you don't, there is a rubbermaid half full of it right there.
What week am I on anyway? This is week three, right? Right? What do you mean barely week 2?
Love (when loneliness feels good),
Carrie
We have our own little community of ex-pats here, transplant from LM Omaha to LM Colorado Springs. It seems though, that I'm the only wife stupid enough to get talked into living in a hotel room for 30 days with my tiny humans.
The room by the way, has taken on a funk. I like to blame Seth for it. One night we discovered the coolers really didn't "Keep things cold for 5 days!" as advertised so boldly on the giant stickers that no one ever takes off. Why don't we take those off? I went to take ours off and Seth looked at me like I was crazy. What is there some kind of secret man instructions on there?
Anyway, we scrambled to rearrange the freezer to save the expensive meat that was more important than the frozen meals I was using. Seth decided to cook cookies, then he decided to bake some bacon. So our room has smelled terrible since. That and the fact that we brought our own GIANT trash can but conviently forgot the lid. So we have an open air trashcan, that admittedly, gets emptied once a day, but in 500 sq ft and one shit filled diaper and the weird cookie/bacon funk, means I've got the heat on and the windows open.
Also I am exceedingly grateful that the movers refused to pack the aerosol air fresheners from my stockpile and Seth just threw the box in the back of the truck.
I realized today after the maid came thru that she must think I have OCD. We have our own vaccuum, and entire rubbermaid with cleaning supplies, a box of aerosol air fresheners, and gobs of hand sanitizer and hand soap. I also pick up the room before I leave to make sure she can get clean whatever it is she is cleaning. I mostly do it for the fresh sheets and towels. Today though I was annoyed that there was still obvious small people kisses and hand prints all over the closet mirrors. I know you have windex, and if you don't, there is a rubbermaid half full of it right there.
What week am I on anyway? This is week three, right? Right? What do you mean barely week 2?
Love (when loneliness feels good),
Carrie
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I didn't see my friends a lot when I lived by them in Omaha. But now, for some reason, being further away from them and not having the ability to go out to dinner with them or see them for events makes my heart heavy. I struggle everyday not to nag them to death about when they are going to visit. Every email or text I have to delete the line "so let's get something on the calendar, when do you want to come out?" I don't want to force anyone out here, I mean, I hardly saw you when I lived in town!
Yesterday I ventured out all by myself. Well with the kids too. The point is, I decided to go couponing. I talked the kids into it with the promise of new balls and play-doh. When it came time to vacate the room for housekeeping (who subsequently never came and I had to sit downstairs and extra hour after asking them to clean) I threw the kids in the car and fired up the GPS and we were off. I was only nervous once, when the GPS didn't tell me in time to go left or right and I had to screetch across three lanes to turn left. In the end with coupons I only spent 22 bucks for the whole day and came home with a good sized haul. Mostly free wipes, which I always say I don't need but let's be real, I went thru a pack this week!
I should take the kids out today and let them play in the warm weather. I wish there was a better place to let Evie ride her bike and Lukas run and fall. The field behind the hotel is covered in dog bombs and brambles and thorns.
Lukas is starting to turn from a sweet little boy into a destructive heartbreaker. He's started to refuse to hold my hand and spends most of his day smashing things or destroying them. *sigh* Its so frustrating because I feel like I've done something wrong as a mom, I'm pretty adamant about no hitting and hugs and kisses and lately Lukas has turned to straight out punching to get attention. Instead of playing with toys he stomps them. He's obsessed with wearing his tennis shoes and I usually have to wait until he is asleep to take them off.
In a completely different vein, here are some things I've wondered so far about Colorado-
Why are there so few trees? Is it the desert thing? Because there is a whole area on my map called the "Black Forest" and I find it hard to believe that trees can exist over there but not in my new yard.
Why is it so hard to find a speed limit sign? I spent half of my adventure yesterday wondering what the hell the speed limit was. I feel like I have a big "pull me over for a small offense" sign on the back of my car in the shape of my out of state license plate.
People are super friendly, seemingly happy, and skinny. Where are all the chunky Coloradans hiding?
There are a surprising lack of Walmarts and a disturbing number of Targets.
The WIND! The WIND! Why is the wind so horrible?!?! And random? Why don't the weather reports mention that today you are going to have your car door blown shut on your leg?
Love (brave moments),
Carrie
Yesterday I ventured out all by myself. Well with the kids too. The point is, I decided to go couponing. I talked the kids into it with the promise of new balls and play-doh. When it came time to vacate the room for housekeeping (who subsequently never came and I had to sit downstairs and extra hour after asking them to clean) I threw the kids in the car and fired up the GPS and we were off. I was only nervous once, when the GPS didn't tell me in time to go left or right and I had to screetch across three lanes to turn left. In the end with coupons I only spent 22 bucks for the whole day and came home with a good sized haul. Mostly free wipes, which I always say I don't need but let's be real, I went thru a pack this week!
I should take the kids out today and let them play in the warm weather. I wish there was a better place to let Evie ride her bike and Lukas run and fall. The field behind the hotel is covered in dog bombs and brambles and thorns.
Lukas is starting to turn from a sweet little boy into a destructive heartbreaker. He's started to refuse to hold my hand and spends most of his day smashing things or destroying them. *sigh* Its so frustrating because I feel like I've done something wrong as a mom, I'm pretty adamant about no hitting and hugs and kisses and lately Lukas has turned to straight out punching to get attention. Instead of playing with toys he stomps them. He's obsessed with wearing his tennis shoes and I usually have to wait until he is asleep to take them off.
In a completely different vein, here are some things I've wondered so far about Colorado-
Why are there so few trees? Is it the desert thing? Because there is a whole area on my map called the "Black Forest" and I find it hard to believe that trees can exist over there but not in my new yard.
Why is it so hard to find a speed limit sign? I spent half of my adventure yesterday wondering what the hell the speed limit was. I feel like I have a big "pull me over for a small offense" sign on the back of my car in the shape of my out of state license plate.
People are super friendly, seemingly happy, and skinny. Where are all the chunky Coloradans hiding?
There are a surprising lack of Walmarts and a disturbing number of Targets.
The WIND! The WIND! Why is the wind so horrible?!?! And random? Why don't the weather reports mention that today you are going to have your car door blown shut on your leg?
Love (brave moments),
Carrie
Monday, March 24, 2014
“Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors.” ― Khaled Hosseini
I long for a door. I mean it. I never want a door and maybe a couple of feet of wall more in my whole life than I do right now. Living in a hotel is hard, its harder when its basically one big room and the only room with a door is the bathroom and its cold and there are questionable spots of paint and caulking in there that I am sure are hiding mold. Also the only place to sit is the toilet and the seat shifts out from under you in an effort to pinch your ass. So at 7 in the morning when my husband leaves, it stirs the boy and within a half an hour he is awake. His new style of waking up really pisses me off. Its like he is still tired but his brain is awake so he has this fight with himself, and subsequently me that includes kicking and screaming and crying and carrying on as though his ass is on fire, when it clearly is not. Nothing annoys me more. Especially at 8 in the morning.
Sidebar here-I'm aware there are some kids who are even worse than mine and get up at the o-ass-crackery of dawn. I pity you, I do. But not really. Because that is your kid and that's how your kid rolls. My kid does not roll like that, usually. One of the perks of co-sleeping, and let's be honest, its my top perk, is that your kids sleep as long as you do because they pattern their breathing and their REM around yours. So I guess in effect, I've sleep trained my children to sleep in. The fact that they are not doing what they are supposed to is seriously pissing me off.
So Lukas' little dramatic fit leads to me having to get up and eventually, leads to me doing things that wake up Evelynn. God Bless her, if there is one part of me that Evelynn got it is the ability to sleep until 1 if I let her. And like her mother, Evie isn't exactly pleasant.
So until about 12, we all sit around starring daggers at each other.
I long for a door.
Sidebar here-I'm aware there are some kids who are even worse than mine and get up at the o-ass-crackery of dawn. I pity you, I do. But not really. Because that is your kid and that's how your kid rolls. My kid does not roll like that, usually. One of the perks of co-sleeping, and let's be honest, its my top perk, is that your kids sleep as long as you do because they pattern their breathing and their REM around yours. So I guess in effect, I've sleep trained my children to sleep in. The fact that they are not doing what they are supposed to is seriously pissing me off.
So Lukas' little dramatic fit leads to me having to get up and eventually, leads to me doing things that wake up Evelynn. God Bless her, if there is one part of me that Evelynn got it is the ability to sleep until 1 if I let her. And like her mother, Evie isn't exactly pleasant.
So until about 12, we all sit around starring daggers at each other.
I long for a door.
Friday, March 21, 2014
“And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
I've noticed I watch the clock a hell of a lot more now than I did before.
And the clock moves slow.
Lukas hasn't been sleeping in like he was when we lived in my parents basement in a room with no windows and room darkening curtains on the french doors.
I always thought in my dream house, our bedroom would have french doors. I know now that I have absolutely no need of french doors. Zero. They let in too much light and in the dark they reflect images that make me pee my pants a little. So no, no more french doors in my dream house. And french doors with curtains that cover the windows is completely counter to the purpose of them. And tacky. Besides the point.
I'm not a "light" person. I'm very much a fall and winter person. I like my days overcast and grey and my nights as pitch black as it can get. I've been reading up on Colorado Springs and apparently they have 300 days of sunshine. Fuck. My third investment in the new house is room darkening curtains. My second is a sectional for the living room, and my first is paint to cover up the HORRID pumpkin accent wall in the kitchen. There are very few things I hate more in this world than anything pumpkin. People who diddle and kill kids is above pumpkin on that list, but not by far.
I do a lot of thinking about a house I've only seen once for 15 minutes. I feel like its another one of those rush decisions, like the money pit (aka Olive Street) that we may come to regret. I hope not, but the fact that I don't even know how many drawers are in my bathroom scares me.
I'm obsessed with the mountains. Its the one thing that makes me exceedingly happy so far. I only wish that we were surrounded by mountains, not just the mountains on one side. I want to innate my facebook with random mountain pictures, but as of yet, I've refrained. Mostly because I only have seen one range of mountains on a quick walk with the kids, otherwise I haven't left the hotel since we arrived. Hopefully we get out and about this weekend. That is, if my husband ever comes home from work today. How in the hell is it only 5?!!?
Love (mountains and darkness),
Carrie
And the clock moves slow.
Lukas hasn't been sleeping in like he was when we lived in my parents basement in a room with no windows and room darkening curtains on the french doors.
I always thought in my dream house, our bedroom would have french doors. I know now that I have absolutely no need of french doors. Zero. They let in too much light and in the dark they reflect images that make me pee my pants a little. So no, no more french doors in my dream house. And french doors with curtains that cover the windows is completely counter to the purpose of them. And tacky. Besides the point.
I'm not a "light" person. I'm very much a fall and winter person. I like my days overcast and grey and my nights as pitch black as it can get. I've been reading up on Colorado Springs and apparently they have 300 days of sunshine. Fuck. My third investment in the new house is room darkening curtains. My second is a sectional for the living room, and my first is paint to cover up the HORRID pumpkin accent wall in the kitchen. There are very few things I hate more in this world than anything pumpkin. People who diddle and kill kids is above pumpkin on that list, but not by far.
I do a lot of thinking about a house I've only seen once for 15 minutes. I feel like its another one of those rush decisions, like the money pit (aka Olive Street) that we may come to regret. I hope not, but the fact that I don't even know how many drawers are in my bathroom scares me.
I'm obsessed with the mountains. Its the one thing that makes me exceedingly happy so far. I only wish that we were surrounded by mountains, not just the mountains on one side. I want to innate my facebook with random mountain pictures, but as of yet, I've refrained. Mostly because I only have seen one range of mountains on a quick walk with the kids, otherwise I haven't left the hotel since we arrived. Hopefully we get out and about this weekend. That is, if my husband ever comes home from work today. How in the hell is it only 5?!!?
Love (mountains and darkness),
Carrie
Thursday, March 20, 2014
“She took a step and didn't want to take any more, but she did.” ― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
Consider A Move
The steady time of being unknown,
in solitude, without friends,
is not a steadiness that sustains.
I hear your voice waver on the phone:
Haven't talked to anyone for days.
I drive around. I sit in parking lots.
The voice zeroes through my ear, and waits.
What should I say? There are ways
to meet people you will want to love?
I know of none. You come out stronger
having gone through this? I no longer
believe that, if I once did. Consider a move,
a change, a job, a new place to live,
someplace you'd like to be. That's not it,
you say. Now time turns back. We almost touch.
Then what is? I ask. What is?”
― Michael Ryan, New and Selected Poems
That's right people, a new chapter has started, we moved to Colorado Springs. For Seth's work. And I am trapped in a 500 foot hotel room for thirty days with my two small children. Which is loads better than yesterday when I was was trapped in a car for 600 miles with two small children.
Being the responsible wonderful mother that I am, I abstained from my addiction, Facebook updating. But I had a LOT of moments where I wanted to update my rampant thoughts.
Like the following:
Whoever gave my daughter 650 stickers for her birthday, THANK YOU, she has been quietly placing them on paper for 200 miles now.
My husband's cruise control is broken, or his foot is, because he cannot maintain the speed he seems to think he is driving.
Jesus Denver drivers will cut in front of you with a hair of space and not even blink. I don't think I puckered so much in my whole life.
I have callouses on my hands from driving.
I am NEVER making this drive alone with these two kids again.
I feel like a one armed tour director.
JESUS son, work with me here. If I give you something to do, do it, don't quarterback it to the door so when I open the door at the pit stops all this shit falls out on me.
Wait, how much play-dough did Evie just eat? God, I hope I don't see that later.
So as you can imagine it was a long trip.
So now we are here, living hotel life, for at least two weeks, we close on the house and while we still have another two weeks in the hotel, at least we can go over to the house and explore the neighborhood and paint some walls. So far, I don't mind the hotel life. I haven't let the maid in yet, and I've survived my first lunch. If Lukas would sleep past 8 that would be nice. One of the BEST parts is that the hotel has a dinner provided three days a week. So three days a week I don't have to worry about what to make for dinner.
The downside is that we have four carloads (I sent Seth with truckloads on both of his trips back to Omaha) of junk just piled in every nook and cranny of our room, so I feel bad making them trying to work around our shit, but one thing we remembered about our first stay here was the tiny ass trash cans so we brought a giant one and now I to figure out how to empty it since it is stinking up the whole damn room.
I also have to fight every day not to have a complete emotional breakdown over leaving my family and friends. But yesterday I lost that battle, luckily after I had the kids asleep and I was in my bath.
So here we are on day 1. So far everyone is in one piece, we had mac and cheese for lunch, and we went for a walk with minimal drama, and we missed the maid. So I'm putting today in the win column.
Love, (that day one was do able),
Carrie
The steady time of being unknown,
in solitude, without friends,
is not a steadiness that sustains.
I hear your voice waver on the phone:
Haven't talked to anyone for days.
I drive around. I sit in parking lots.
The voice zeroes through my ear, and waits.
What should I say? There are ways
to meet people you will want to love?
I know of none. You come out stronger
having gone through this? I no longer
believe that, if I once did. Consider a move,
a change, a job, a new place to live,
someplace you'd like to be. That's not it,
you say. Now time turns back. We almost touch.
Then what is? I ask. What is?”
― Michael Ryan, New and Selected Poems
That's right people, a new chapter has started, we moved to Colorado Springs. For Seth's work. And I am trapped in a 500 foot hotel room for thirty days with my two small children. Which is loads better than yesterday when I was was trapped in a car for 600 miles with two small children.
Being the responsible wonderful mother that I am, I abstained from my addiction, Facebook updating. But I had a LOT of moments where I wanted to update my rampant thoughts.
Like the following:
Whoever gave my daughter 650 stickers for her birthday, THANK YOU, she has been quietly placing them on paper for 200 miles now.
My husband's cruise control is broken, or his foot is, because he cannot maintain the speed he seems to think he is driving.
Jesus Denver drivers will cut in front of you with a hair of space and not even blink. I don't think I puckered so much in my whole life.
I have callouses on my hands from driving.
I am NEVER making this drive alone with these two kids again.
I feel like a one armed tour director.
JESUS son, work with me here. If I give you something to do, do it, don't quarterback it to the door so when I open the door at the pit stops all this shit falls out on me.
Wait, how much play-dough did Evie just eat? God, I hope I don't see that later.
So as you can imagine it was a long trip.
So now we are here, living hotel life, for at least two weeks, we close on the house and while we still have another two weeks in the hotel, at least we can go over to the house and explore the neighborhood and paint some walls. So far, I don't mind the hotel life. I haven't let the maid in yet, and I've survived my first lunch. If Lukas would sleep past 8 that would be nice. One of the BEST parts is that the hotel has a dinner provided three days a week. So three days a week I don't have to worry about what to make for dinner.
The downside is that we have four carloads (I sent Seth with truckloads on both of his trips back to Omaha) of junk just piled in every nook and cranny of our room, so I feel bad making them trying to work around our shit, but one thing we remembered about our first stay here was the tiny ass trash cans so we brought a giant one and now I to figure out how to empty it since it is stinking up the whole damn room.
I also have to fight every day not to have a complete emotional breakdown over leaving my family and friends. But yesterday I lost that battle, luckily after I had the kids asleep and I was in my bath.
So here we are on day 1. So far everyone is in one piece, we had mac and cheese for lunch, and we went for a walk with minimal drama, and we missed the maid. So I'm putting today in the win column.
Love, (that day one was do able),
Carrie
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