The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing.

Whew. What a strange week last week was. And what an eventful weekend this week was.
Sorry about leaving you high and dry Friday and with the snow days, but Seth has been doing something to our home computers and it was too much of a pain to figure out what I was allowed to do when so I just stayed snuggly with the cats. You understand.

Childbirth Education
Okay so Saturday we had our Childbirth Education class. Wow. What an experience that was. I took three pages of notes. 1 ½ of them were notes for my blog.
We got into the class right before the start time, I was sure we were going to be late because, well, my husband is perpetually late. I was ready a full half hour ahead of him and just laid on the couch and slept and waited and nagged.
We were the second couple there. There was a bevy of couples to choose from. We had weird hippie lady who kept reminding us she was doing this naturally and with a midwife she asked questions EVERY TIME about stuff she read on the internet. The longest question was one about “Mother directed pushing” which took a 20 minute explanation with a hand drawing on the board. When she was done the instructors were just like, doesn’t work, and moved on. We had yuppie hipster couple who looked about 20 but shockingly were married. They had fun dyed hair and answered questions during class in hypothetical. There was 2 woman or girls I guess who were in high school with their “fiancee’s” who were about 24-25. There was a woman and her Mom, I had the hardest time trying to figure out which one was pregnant until introductions. There was a lady who had twins nine years ago so this was her first birth in a while. There was a couple who adopted but this was their first birth. My favorite guy, however, was a guy we named Vodka/Sex. More on that later..and then there was Seth and I. We spent most of the class giggling and whispering in each other’s ear.
So first we went around and made introductions and of course we were third to last. Seth wouldn’t speak for us, so I had to. He said all the other Mom’s were doing the speaking so I had to. But then of course the leader ladies asked him questions too so he had to talk too. Our leader ladies were a doula who had been teaching childbirth education for 25 years, but hadn’t had a kid since the 80’s and a nurse who specialized in pediatrics and had been teaching the class for 20 years. She was a single mom who had two kids in their early 20’s as well.
During introductions, the man known as Vodka/Sex, or V/S from now on, said that he came to the class so his wife would stop yelling at him and nagging him. Such began V/S string of strange questions, thoughts, and proclamations.
Shortly after that, he asked the instructors if it was true that woman can have sex up to the day they give birth and if it was good for the baby like his friend “Bone” told him. When the instructors confirmed that yes, couples could have sex and it was good for starting labor, but it was really if the couple was comfortable with it. He turned to his wife and said “See you have no excuse, you should be doing me more, and it’s good for you.” His wife started crying, the first of many tears she shed.
The instructors then took the opportunity (the first of many times) to remind us the class ends at 4:30.
Oh I forgot to tell you about the lady sitting next to us who made the cute noises (the “aww” noise) and agreed with everything out loud that the instructors said. By the first break I was thinking of ways to stab her with my pen.
At this point, I wondered if there were any men who teach Childbirthing Classes, because if they had a man woman duo, the class would have been much more accessible to the men in class.
I then asked Seth if we could vote V/S out of class because he kept comparing things to his job steam cleaning.
When they brought out the breathing charts, Seth understood them. They looked like algebra class to me and I immediately blocked them.
All I could think during the class was “I’m never going to remember this crap during labor, all I’m going to be doing is thinking “GET IT OUT”.
One thing that particularly disturbed me, enough that I facebook updated about it at least 5 times was the fact that they take your underpants away as soon as you get to the hospital and don’t give it back. And they give you a gown that opens in the back. So your goodies are on display for however long you are in labor. I noticed this when we watched the first video on vaginal childbirth. There was a lady sitting on one of the “birthing balls” or yoga balls grinding on it and out of the blue, there is her naked ass and vagina on display for the camera. I was like, WHERE ARE HER PANTIES?!?! GROSS! I get that at some point you have to push a baby out and panties would get in the way, but I figured there was some sanitary way or something for modesty for the 24 hours you would be in labor before you deliver. I just had never thought it would be a no panty kind of day. There were all these charts of positions and I kept leaning over to Seth and going “THEY AREN’T WEARING PANTIES!!!” Later we had to make a list of things to pack for the hospital and I wrote “no underpants” and I also wrote “large stick to hit people with” Seth made me cross out the stick part and add underpants. At the end of the class they pulled out this “after labor kit” that you get and in it is some scary hospital mesh panties that they give you to hold the GIANT FRACKING MAXI PAD that you have to wear for six weeks or something while your vagina leaks blood and tissue on top of hurting. Oh here is something else horrifying I learned-after you have a baby, you can’t wipe. You get a squirt bottle from the hospital that you fill up with warm water and squirt down there and then pat gently to dry. Gew. Even like number two wiping. Can’t do it, you must make a homemade bidet and gently pat. Ugh, like giving birth isn’t bad enough, then for the next six weeks I have to leak crap and not wipe!?!?
V/S took this opportunity to ask if “all woman” leaked stuff (it’s called Lochia or something like that) or if that was just some women, because he plans on getting back to bedroom business immediately, but he doesn’t ride the red rollercoaster. His wife cried again. He had to have a special talk with the instructors after class.
V/S also had these fine moments: Sleeping during the videos (his wife cried when he started snoring), telling us stories about how when he worked for Jimmy John’s delivery he could just walk right into labor and delivery and steal a baby if he wanted, when asked what relaxation technique he could use while his wife was in labor he said “Vodka”.
Every time the instructors referred to us as “Mom” I would think of my Mom. Automatically. They would say things like “Now support partners, you need to make sure that you are watching Mom for tension and help her adjust her breathing” and a picture of my mom would pop into my head.
In some of the position posters, the ones from the 80’s, the “Mom’s” were wearing skin tight bright blue leotards or body suits. Seth’s favorite position was the one he called “A little Captain in you” or the raised leg lunge. It was pretty hilarious.
Another interesting thing I learned was that when you are pushing, you need to push from your upper ab muscles, like if you cough or clear your throat, the muscles you use to do that. You should not push like you are taking a dump, because you will take a dump and you will also get hemorrhoids. FYI.
Seth and I giggled thru the meditation session because it was just so hokey. Also because he was supposed to ask me what would help me relax and I said making out and he said no. So then I said lunch and he said soon. Of course they did meditation right before the lunch break so I couldn’t think of anything but eating.
We got to take a tour of the hospital, but Seth and I couldn’t figure out if we were delivering at UNMC or the Clarkson Tower so we went on the UNMC tour because we figured that was a best bet since our Dr.’s card said she was from UNMC.
The rooms were really nice and seemed really good, but of course it all kind of hit me and I’ve been having nightmares ever since because I know where all of this is going to go down. Last night I dreamt I gave birth to a cricket and everyone was trying to tell me it was a baby so I took a picture of it with my cell phone and it was a cricket. It was strange.
Anyway some of the cool things they do is “Rooming in” which is where your baby never leaves you unless you ask to have it take to the nursery. Even after it is born, unless there are complications. The delivery bed and the thing where they clean the baby up and run the tests are right next to each other. The floor that “Labor, Delivery, and Postpartum” are on is a secure floor meaning you have to go to the third floor to get to the elevator that will even take you to the LDP floor. There is two sides on the floor, the Labor and Delivery side where you will be until you deliver and then about two hours afterwards and the Postpartum side where you will be 48 hours (or 96 for c-sections) after the baby is born. There you will meet with a Baby Care specialist who will teach you how wash and swaddle and all that important stuff and a Lactation specialist if you are breastfeeding. (which I’m going to try). Also in the postpartum section is where you get to have visitors, the only people allowed in the L&D section are the people on your birth plan or people you say can be in there.
So that was my Childbirth education class. It was terrifying and hilarious all at the same time. Mostly thanks to Vodka/Sex and his crying wife. But entirely because of my husband who knows that the way to make things less scary for me is to joke with me about them.

This week
This week I have a busy week. Today I have an appointment with the diabetes specialist, Wednesday Seth is flying to Texas for the day, my mom is having surgery, and I have a doctor’s appointment with our regular doctor. And I’m going to try my darndest to get to work every day, although one of the things I need to discuss with my doctor is my lack of ability to sit for 8 hours without my back causing enough pain to make me cry and my legs and feet going to sleep. When I try to get up and walk around my hips and joints hurt so bad and my ankles swell up that I can hardly walk. Mostly the only positions I have where I am comfortable and not stressed are laying in bed or laying on the couch. So we will see what she says.

This weekend
Other things we did this weekend were have a lovely dinner with the Asche’s on Friday and caught up with them. We did baked potatoes which were AWESOME. We had dinner with my parents after the Child birthing Class so that I could ask some questions and regal them with the trauma I just endured and give them some information.
Sunday we relaxed and some errands and got the house picked up for the week.

Lots to do
Well I have a replacement to train and blogs to catch up on and gossip to read and hear. Hope you all have a great Monday!

Love (giggling in class),
Carrie