I think I might be ready to write this post...Maybe. Well at least I'm ready to say it out loud to the internets. Last month, I lost a baby. Here are the facts, because for some reason its easier to start with the facts...
We were about 12 weeks along when we found out. We went in for our twelve week check up and our first ultrasound and they could not find a heartbeat. When they went in for the ultrasound they saw a sac of blood under the placenta, indicating that my body was already breaking down and preparing to abort the baby. Our doctor (who throughout this I will saw was fantastic, as we knew she would be after our first pregnancy with Evelynn.) thought the baby died, based on its measurements, sometime around seven or eight weeks.
At first, right after they told us, I laughed and made inappropriate jokes. I kept telling them it was ok. That I knew something wasn't right.
At that moment, all I wanted was to crawl in a hole and die. All I could think about was having to tell all the people I promised Seth I wouldn't tell that I did tell that my baby was dead.
I have to sidebar here-
I struggled greatly with writing this post. One of the hardest parts of losing a baby during pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, is that no one talks about it. No one brings it up, no one asks how you are doing, no one but you seems to mourn your baby the same way you do.
Also because I wanted to share and hopefully connect with other people my age who this might have happened to. It seems like the only people who talk about having miscarriages are people who had them 20 years ago. Making it hard for me to connect. I also have trouble connecting because the way we "evacuated the fetus" is by a new pill/at home method called cytotec, where most people opt for the D&C. There were too many risks associated with that procedure for me. So when I read blogs or talk to people they had the d&c and we did the at home pill, its hard for me to connect.
So that's why I've come out. Today I read that miscarriage is called "the silent sorrow" and I find that to be a very accurate statement. But I don't want to be silent anymore.
I also read that a good way to combat the post partum depression is to journal and since this my journal I will try to write here.
So that's where I'm at emotionally. Some days are good but I'm still having more bad than good. Mostly its the nights that are the hardest, when the world gets quiet and there is no busy work or handful one year olds to occupy your mind. And there is rarely anyone to talk to when your brain runs away with you into the irrational.
So that's all I can muster to ramble. I hope later I can write more cohesive thoughts that can actually help people!
Love (getting it out there),
Carrie
Thank you for sharing! I have been praying for you daily and that the Lord would comfort you through out this. I didn't want to facebook message you or text you to see how you were because I'd rather do that in person, but I see now it probably would help you to know people are out there still praying for you and thinking about this sweet child that you and Seth lost.
ReplyDeleteIt's always an awful thing. The anguish of the loss, the thought of what could have been, of what was it that went wrong, and all those unanswered questions. They cause guilt, remorse, and an aching sadness. I hope you can mourn your loss and heal your heart soon.
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