“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” ― C. JoyBell C.

Why does every story or advice about beginning a new beginning start with destroying the past?  Shutting the book, lighting it on fire and then pissing on the ashes as you screech away to your new "future"?

Whatever happened to "remembering your past, where you came from?"  When did loving the place that you were become so unhealthy?

Is it when immigrants were busy cooking their home foods for their families?  Working their fingers to the bones and asking their children who were slowly becoming "Americanized" to remember to honor their ancestors and their traditions and values?

My situation is not that extreme but it seems like every time I put something about missing my family and friends on facebook or I straight tell my family and friends that I miss them, I get told to move on, and to focus on my new life and my new future.  I'm told to get excited about my new house that I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed with decorating.  I'm asked about my children's future, the school they will go to, what activities I'm going to put them in, when I'm going to get them back into the things they like to do.

You know what my kids like to do?  They like to go on hikes with their Grandma.  They like to eat big meals at my parents table and sit next to their Dad Dad and eat his special Dad Dad noodles made special for them alone.  They prefer to ride in my Dad's vehicle because its big and room and the doors light up fun colors and they can take a snooze without their mom screeching that they are ruining bedtime.  They like to dig holes in the garden, fill the bird feeders.  They like to get new clothes from their Aunt Pam and play with Cousin Colin.  They love to go to the YMCA and see Mr. Joey for preschool and pretend to be beside themselves with anguish when I leave them for an hour to workout in the kindercare.  And they LOVE LOVE LOVE to swim.  How do I get them back to that?  How do I make new memories without erasing the old ones?  The ones that are so important to me that they remember?  The past that I don't want them to forget.  The book they need to shut in order to start new?  The book I refuse to put back on the shelf because I don't think its done, I haven't finished writing in it.

This week we buy the house, my anxiety is so bad that I can hardly leave the hotel room.  I find that the fact I got out of bed a win today.  But the kids helped push that.  The kids and the maid who wanted to change the sheets.  I love fresh sheets.  If I won the lottery the first thing I would do would be to hire someone who would change my 4000 count sheets everyday.  Completely beside my point.

The point is, new beginnings don't have to completely destroy the past do they?  I'm not naive to think things won't change, but I'm hoping that in my effort to move to my new beginning, that I don't lose all the things I love about where I came from.

Love (my past),
Carrie