I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.

Well lookie here, it's TUESDAY. I have to say things like that because generally these days I can't remember what day of the week it is without looking. It's not as awesome as you think.

I don't remember agreeing to S&M in this marriage

Seth forced me to go to the dentist today. Because he's mean and evil and enjoys seeing me rethink giving up my anxiety medicine.
He's been going to the dentist regularly for years now. I finally found out why. His dentist office is full of hot women! Not including the actual dentist, who had a mustache and bad roots. So you would think I would make an ass out of myself at the dentist office like I do the doctors office when I get nervous. I probably would if they didn't have shit in my mouth constantly and were picking at my teeth. Mostly I just lay there and exude an uncomfortable silence while making mental conversation with myself. Here is a sample of what I could say if I had a mind reader for a dentist:

Oh boy a total mouth x-ray, these things freak me out. Oh look a handy little mirror to stare at while I get radiation. Holy shit I look rough today. So glad I didn't put make up on or anything, it would be like walking on silts on Amazon Woman island since all these women are so pretty. Did she just say shut my eyes? Why the fuck would you put a little mirror here if you want me to shut my eyes? Fuck, fine. *shuts eyes* Will I go blind if I open my eyes? I should have asked...I feel so vulnerable with my mouth on this stupid stick. *machine slowly goes around my head and starts to ram into my shoulder.* Fuck! Fuck! Am I not supposed to move?!?!? She didn't say anything about not moving but I'm assuming...SHIT. *moves to the side* God I hope she doesn't yell at me, but what the fuck? How about you put the machine in the right position there night school?

More x-ray's in the chair. Really? You didn't get everything over there in x-ray land? These chairs are suspiciously comfy...this is a nice new office. Where are the TV's? The dentist office I went to three years ago had flat screens. Way to be behind the ball. I guess we are spending too much money on hair supplies. What is with this music? It's like classic rock but all acoustical. Is this supposed to relax me? Well it does the opposite, it makes me hate you for trying to pseduo relax me with the unplugged set. Now if you had acoustic gansta rap that would be better because then I could still identify with the angry lyrics but mellow out with the acoustic.

Oh thanks for the "anitbacterial mouth wash" to start out with. You can just call it scope, because that is what it is. Scope.

Okay let me get this straight, you are going to clean my teeth and then a hygienist is going to come in and count and check my teeth, and then the dentist will come in and do what? A dance? What is she shooting up in back? Or what? You realize this is a fucking racket, right? You guys are doing all the work and she's in back fucking taking a nap. Whatever. I guess if you are okay with it. But remember, she gets paid WAYYY more than you to pop in and go "Good job on the tooth cleaning!"

How am I doing? Oh good, I'm thinking of painful ways to pay my husband back for this, its going to be at least a week of head drilling dirty looks in his direction.

Yes my kid is small, sorry you had ginormous kids and a flappy cooter. Don't be jealous.

I hate the part where you stick the sucker in my mouth and I have to close. I feel dirty for some reason.

Oh gross the flossing part. Here is the part where all the blood starts. Oh great and now my mouth tastes like a garbage can, or that time I got my wisdom teeth pulled and a week later went back and they "flushed" the cavities and there was all this old decaying food and it was the reason my mouth smelled like ass, but it tasted even worse and I vomited. I could vomit right now. Okay I need to floss. On my way home I'll stop and get those individual flossers. This could be why my breath smells in the morning. Ugh-water and suction thingy please! Also, please check your pluck job on the eyebrows on your next break, you have more than a few errant hairs.

Oh boy next beautiful lady! *mocks* Oh hiiiii! Seth, what a beautiful baby! Meh meh meh. I'm pretty. I'm pretty sure I can reach that stabby looking thing from here and put it in her eye.

I wonder if those mouth covers come scented.

Please don't find any cavities, please don't find any cavities.

Phew.

Hey lady, what is with the shoddy suctioning? Why aren't you telling me to close my mouth? Am I just supposed to swallow this shit I have in the back of my throat? Fine, then. I will.

Yes I would love some chapstick. FUCCCKCKKCKCKCKCKCKCK what is that? Pure alcohol? It's burning my lips and my EYES! Is it menthol? Are you sure that isn't a tub of vicks vapor rub?

Did she just turn the overhead light off by waving her hand in front of it? I HAVE to try that when she leaves the room. But first... *Shoots Seth a dirty look over shoulder and ignores his gentle reassurances* Holy shit! It does activate by handwaving! It's like the sinks in the bathroom-only it works! Crap someones coming! *waves hand frantically* Shit it's still on! Maybe no one will notice.

Oh boy! Here comes the dentist! HOLY SHITBALLS. Is that a mustache? What is she like 100? MY GOD. I'm almost thankful you didn't do all that other stuff the other ladies did. Oh my God, oh my God, she's coming closer to my face! *snickers* she just tried to turn the light on only it was already on and she made angry eyes.

Then it was over. The end. After not going to the dentist for three years and never flossing I had no cavities but was told to be more gentle with my gums on the incisors because I was starting to lose gum or something or other, I wasn't listening. I fucking hate the dentist.

Motherhood-a mantra.

Last night I was in the shower, and we had just replaced the light above the shower (many thanks to my Dad and his good friend George for installing it for me, it really makes a difference) so the light was super bright. As I was washing I looked down and realized the "bruise" I had noticed on my boob and had been telling myself must be a pretty bad one because it had been there a while was actually a stretch mark. A FUCKING STRETCH MARK. Now I know I shouldn't complain because I didn't get any on my stomach (which I totally owe to a regimen of Avon face lotion (nighttime), vitamin E drops, cocoa butter lotion, and belly butter twice daily). I sobbed quietly in the shower and then wrote myself this mantra/poem in my head:

Motherhood
I wear the scars both outside and in
my beautiful child who is without sin
The worst thing I have done to my body
The best thing I have done to my soul
I'll bear the wounds until I am old
But I'll memorize the smiles, the shape of her face
I will only begrudge her when I feel out of shape
Motherhood
Has changed so much of me
I am whole because of she

So I was repeating this in the shower over and over, silently sobbing and stroking my stretch mark, when I hear this high pitched squeal. I jumped about a thousand feet and probably peed a little since bladder control is another adverse effect of motherhood. But thankfully I was in the shower and didn't notice one way or the other. See Seth thinks its funny, when I am in the bathroom having my private, mommy-freedom time, to randomly sneak up on me or push the door open and pretend it was Evelynn. Because he's bored and doesn't really know how to entertain Evelynn for more than five minutes, or maybe because he misses me. I don't know. Sometimes it's cute and I can't help but laugh and sometimes it's so GD annoying that it takes everything in me not to slam the door in his face and rip him a new one. It depends on how hard of a day it was for me.
SO here I am in the shower, to all unknowingly appearances inappropriately touching myself and crying and Seth and the baby sneak up on me and scare my half to death.

MOTHERHOOD.

Good idea, bad execution
So all my sun tea jars leak and it pisses me off. Lately I have been downing decaf sun tea like its going out of style. (I guess really it is...). Recently Evelynn has acquired a taste for giant pickles, so I got her a jar at Sam's. After they were gone I washed the jar, threw my sun tea jars in the recycle bin, and used it to make my next batch of sun tea.
I have just tried said batch of sun tea. It taste like pickles.
FAIL.

Speaking of the recycle bin

I am either the worst or the best recycler EVER. See I don't really pay attention to all those stupid rules they sent me, printed on the side of the can, and emailed me. I don't wash the cans, I don't fold the paper, I don't break down the boxes. Fuck I'm lucky if half of it even qualifies as recycle. (Like the sun tea jars) We pay them to take it away now (Seriously, really?) and they give us meager points for recycling and advertise that we can buy all sorts of gift cards and cool rewards with our points. Except a 25 dollar gift card costs about 10000 points and we make 50 points a week. Maybe. If Cody has been here and drank a couple cases of glass bottles of beer. So no, I'm not going to wash anything or break anything down, or take the lids off my pop bottles or sour cream containers. What the fuck am I paying you for? To NOT do your job? How about I just don't do it and you have something to do for that 5 bucks or whatever it is a month you are charging me, what you used to do for FREE.

Nap time!
Okay fine friends! Evelynn has finally gone down for her long nap and I'm going to join her...because I can...MOTHERHOOD!

Love (motherhood),
Carrie