The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.

I was going to celebrate the fact that I made two posts in one day, but I realized its 12:15 so it is now a new day so I'm just going to say instead, two posts in a row! Woot!
The new stats feature has made me all self concious and I check it almost as obsessively as I check my blackberry for facebook, email, or twitter updates. Thanks, just what I need, another electronic connection to tell me my social status in the world. Ah electronic validation.
If my husband had gotten home before 9 pm, here are the things I would have told him:
I bought a new candle warmer at Hobby Lobby. It was 4.99. Its literally a hot plate you sit a candle on, this one has VENTS, which is a fancy feature, and the reason its a dollar more than the 3.99 model well worth the extra dollar I think. And then he would have been like, why did you buy another candle warmer, we have one, my mom bought it for you for Christmas. And then I would have said, well the lightbulb on the damn thing went out and I can't find a replacement bulb because apparently, the company that makes the candle warmer bought the bulbs for the candle warmer from THE FUCKING FUTURE because these bulbs exist nowhere. I have looked at three stores now, including hobby lobby, which is where I found the NEW candle warmer, while looking for a replacement bulb. And look, the new candle warmer is just a hot plate so I will never need to buy a replacement bulb or go looking for one. Now if you would like to invent a time machine so I can go into the future to get a bulb for the warmer, I'll just take this new warmer back and use the time machine instead.
You know actually I would probably use the time machine to go into the past to just keep the damn candle warmer from my mother in law in the box and re gift it in the future. But don' tell her that. I actually liked the candle warmer, it was a very effective candle warmer, I mean it didn't have side vents or anything rad like that, but it did it's job, until the fucking bulb from the future went out and now it's a useless lump of junk cluttering up my already too cluttered house.
I also would have said to my husband-look I made six dozen cookies. Why did I make six dozen? Well, apparently Jesus Christ died again and the church is having a funeral for him and they needed four dozen. I know I made six dozen Seth. I made you two dozen, because I made the cookies a day early, and you will inevitable sneak at least a dozen cookies. And I'm pretty sure you will go to hell for stealing funeral cookies. Especially if that funeral is for Jesus. So I decided to just head you off at the pass and save your eternal soul and I made you your own non-funeral cookies. Once at a Bible Banger meeting when I was a teenager the leaders told this girl that she and her Mom were going to hell because her Dad was an alcoholic and didn't ever come to church. And apparently in the church I was attending at the time, your father was your represenative in heaven, so if your father didn't come to church and wasn't all holy, you all were on a one way ticket to hell, no matter how much you prayed. I don't know they said it was in the bible somewhere. Probably Leviticus. Anyway I'm just covering my bases in case that is true.
Your daughter pressed herself up against a window today and screamed at a squirrel. She was only wearing a diaper. Pretty sure the neighbors are going to call child protective services and tell them I'm teaching her how to be a good window hooker in the red light district.
Hey speaking of fun experiences your daughter had today, I think she met her first meth addicts. When we were in line at the grocery store this crazy looking guy and girl got in line behind us, after skipping around four lines. Then the guy stood so close to me that I was going to do an Usher style dirty dance grind on him because he was standing right up on my ass. But then I noticed he obviously did drugs. And liked vulgar tattoos. And then the girl who was with him, who also gave the "I need to be on Intervention" type apperance started to be really nice to Evelynn so I couldn't do it. Plus she looked like she could beat me up in a heart beat. I noticed they were buying four toothbrushes, a giant can of zippo lighter fluid, tampons, cold medicine, and ding dongs. I don't know what kind of meth that makes, but if it involves ding dongs, I'm in.
Anyway she was being really nice to Evie, and of course Evelynn was being a giant ham, per usual. Our daughter is a social butterfly. And then the woman starts asking me the standard set of questions and responses:
She is so cute! How old is she?
6 months.
Wow six months! She is so tiny!
Yeah, *insert witty response here*
What's her name?
Evelynn Ann
Oh that is such a sweet name! Fits her perfect!
Thanks! *insert clever comment here*
Then our friendly neighborhood meth head made a comment that threw me for a loop-she says "Whoa you look great for having a baby six months ago!" And then I had no witty response, but I really wanted to hug her. Lately I've felt pretty bad about myself, body wise. I've been trying to get out and walk with Evie, but the weather has been so erratic. I've tried to refrain from eating the ENTIRE contents of my fridge, but some days are harder than others, and some days my parents make excellent food.
(Speaking of which dad, when are you going to make mexican again? It feels like forever since I've had a good dad burrito)
So anyway the meth heads and I are friends now. BEST friends. You just don't understand how great a comment on your body feels when you are feeling chunky yourself. Especially from a skin and bones meth head. Love you methie!

So I had to finish this post in the morning because I was exahusted. Evelynn is still sleeping for once, Seth didn't wake her up with all his banging around he does in the morning. I might even sneak back to bed for a while once he leaves. Of course knowing my luck she will wake up as soon as he leaves and want to play.
Hope you all have an excellent day!

Love (people who tell me I'm skinny),
Carrie