I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Romance.  Its a topic that has been on my mind a bit this week, since I had a conversation with a friend last week.
I was doing my normal bitching about the rigors of co-sleeping and the four hundred dollar crib now toddler bed that my daughter thinks is a place to play, and not to sleep.  The bitching I normal don't do in public or on social media because let's face it, its my own damn fault.  I'm the one with attachment/sleeping issues which I lovingly project onto my daughter.  Anyway after my usual diatribe of "foot in my face", "humane butane heater", and "bed hog" my dear friend said "I'm cool with the co-sleeping thing and I get it, but what about the romance?"  I quickly jumped in- "Oh there is romance, there is plenty of romancing...here *points* and over there *points* and sometimes *points* back in there." and then we laughed.
But it got me thinking later, what about the romance?
After much back in forth in my head, I've come to this conclusion.  At least in my relationship, when we had a baby, the romance changed.  And not for the worse, like you might be thinking.  It changed in the way I viewed my husband.  No longer do lusty glances, secret squeezes, sweet nothings, surprise dinners, or thoughtful gifts trip my trigger anymore.  (Although, let's not get hasty here, they don't hurt)  But now seeing my husband be a dad gets me more romance than I can deal with some days.  Watching Seth chase Evelynn around the house, listen to all of her baby babble like she is telling him the greatest story he ever heard, feeding her lunch, carrying her around the store, watching her fall asleep on his shoulder as he sways back in forth to the song that he is humming- that is my new romance.
Which is lame, I know, maybe it is another new thing about motherhood I'm learning about and is changing me, for the better.
Like the new fact that I someone who LIVES for winter and snow and bad weather, am praying the weather gets warmer so I can take my kid outside and run her until she collapses in her new toddler bed from exhaustion.

Love (the new romance),
Carrie

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

When I first got pregnant, and we were discussing me leaving work to stay home with Evelynn, we were also in the midst of making a huge decision regarding our communication.  We were trying to decide if it was finally time for us to move up to smartphones.  My brother had a smart phone for about a year, and I thought it was pretty dang cool.  Plus, we were finally going to qualify to use Seth's work discount on our phone bill.  So I thought it was about time for us to jump into the smartphone world.  Seth wasn't so sure.  He made the argument, that since I was going to be a stay at home Mom, all I would really need is a phone to make calls.  If I needed the computer, I could just walk over and use it.
Man was he ever wrong.
My entire existence revolves around my smartphone.  In fact, I rarely use the computer anymore, unless I need to print coupons, or blog.  And I can blog from my phone (although, it is a pain).  I email my family and friends, check my social networking sites, browse the net, and I use a ton of apps.  I have an app to keep Evelynn busy, I have an app that is a pedometer for our long walks, I have a fertility tracker app, I have an app that finds ANYTHING I need in any town.
I can use my smartphone while Evelynn is napping on me, playing outside eating rabbit turds, on a walk, out at the zoo, out at the stores, and while everyone is finally asleep at night- I catch up on my twitter and facebook stalking.
I take videos and pictures of Evelynn and upload them to facebook or email them to family.  I can send a friend a thank you for their gift to Evelynn by shooting a quick picture or video of her using the gift and emailing them.
I use my smartphone to coupon too.  I keep my lists on my phone.  I double check prices and posts about what coupons to use.  I also get up to date couponing site posts sent to my phone.
I get recipes sent to my phone so its super easy to keep them at the forefront of my mind while I whip up something yummy.
I blackberry message with Seth while he is in class.
So needless to say, my phone helps me be a better Mommy, and I think its about time we upgraded.  I wonder if I can get one that is construction grade to keep up with my destructive baby...

This just may be me, but man, I love watching Seth with Evelynn.  Lately, since he hasn't had class (spring break) he has been around a lot more and he has been really really good about helping out with Evelynn.  When he get home, we take a family walk, and play/work in the yard.  With it staying lighter longer, it has really helped out.  He helps make dinner and clean up afterwards.  And he's getting things done around the house.  I can't tell you how amazing it has been.  I can't wait for his school to get over!!
This week he switched Evie's bed over to a toddler bed (*heartbreaks*) and we have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get her to sleep in it.  Now usually, Seth is pretty bad at getting Evelynn to sleep, or even putting her back to bed if she wakes up and realizes we aren't there or she wasn't wear she was when she went to sleep.  If I'm in the shower, he will bring her in and wake her up even more and I have to get out and put her back to bed and pray she doesn't wake her up so much she thinks she needs to stay up until three am.  But last night, I rocked her to sleep, and put her in the toddler bed and then skipped to the bathroom planning on a long lovely bath.  As soon as I settled in with my new book from paperbackswap.com I heard her crying.  Then I cried.  I started to get out and I heard Seth go in.  I peeked out of the door to give him a list of suggestions to calm her down until I could wash my hair and face and dry off.  But he had her, calmly even though she was SCREAMING, rocking back and forth.  He was saying "Its okay, Daddy can take care of it, Daddy can make it okay too."  So I decided to leave them and see how it would play out.  He actually got her calmed down and almost back to sleep, until I turned the hall light off.  I was so proud of him!  And my heart got all melty and my ovaries tingled and I realized I had one good Dad on my hands.  I think with warmer weather on the horizon and Evelynn growing up a little more and being able to communicate with Seth a little more, I might get more time off then I realized!  What am I going to do with myself???
Maybe I'll get back in the kitchen, I'm pretty dead set on making my own butter with my kitchen aid-butter prices are ridiculous!!

Love (Daddies who give me smartphones),
Carrie

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.

Hello blog world!  Long time no read!  As you might have imagined, being a Mom all day and night long is quite the undertaking.  Especially Evelynn.  Sometimes she plays independently but most of the time you have to at least keep one eye on her while she destroys the house.  And usually shits her pants three times a day.  Ahh motherhood.

We stopped breastfeeding last month.  (which by the way, was heartbreaking, more than I thought it would be.  I thought it would be totally liberating, and it wasn't, it was a randomly start crying at weird times of day thing) And the day of Evie's birthday party, I got my first period the day of her birthday party.  How fortuitous.  So now we are starting the process of trying all over again.  I think I blocked everything I learned about conception last time.  When you are in the middle of trying to conceive, you absorb so much information and it just envelopes you and becomes your every thought.  For some reason, everything I spent a year absorbing has gone right out my head.  I couldn't remember anything!  So now I'm trying to relearn everything.  Thank goodness for the internet!

As Evelynn grows older and more independent, I sometimes find myself resenting her independence.  I want her to stay tiny and needing me forever.  The resentment started when she stopped breastfeeding.  I thought, for the rest of my life, she is slowly going to need me less and less.  How do I handle this?  Without being bitter and a bad mom?  So I try to count my blessings with her.  But, sometimes the resentment sneaks in, but the sentiment always has the best intentions.  Like this:
-I'm so glad you are able to feed yourself Evelynn!  Yay!  Wait no, stop smashing cheese into the carpet.  Sit still!  No the kitty doesn't want your cheese.  Damn it!  Hey do you want to breastfeed?  No?  *Sob*
-Evelynn, you want me to read this book to you?  Yay!  I'm glad you love books!  Okay *reads book* All done!  What you want me to read it again?  *repeat x4* okay Mommy cannot read "Curious Kitties" anymore.  Please.  Go find something else to read.  Please??
-Yay!  Evelynn is talking!  Listen to all her funny sounds and words.  I wonder what she is saying?  I'm so glad she's talking. *four hours of continuous babbling later*  Evie!  Let's try using our whisper voice!  No, not shouting, whisper!
-Oh look!  She can open drawers!  She is so smart!  Wait, why is she pulling everything out of the drawers...stop it!  No!  No!  Where did I put that safety locking crap?
-Evie's getting teeth!  They are so cute.  Look she is giving my arm a kiss!  OWWW!  No biting!  Shit they are like kitten teeth, they are so sharp!  What the hell??

Well, at least she's beautiful when she sleeps.

Love (growing up),
Carrie

Evelynn is ONE!

Evelynn Ann Hellbusch turned 1 year old on March 3^rd, 2010!

Can you believe it!? How time has flown!

Here are some highlights of Evelynn's first year of life-

March 2010- Started holding her head up and smiling. She was baptized at St. John's Lutheran Church in Columbus Nebraska. Her Godparents were Uncle Cody Hellbusch and Aunt Kathy Hagen. Grandma and Grandpa Busch threw her a big party afterwards with lots of great food!

April 2010- Evelynn spent her first day away from Mommy when we went to the Christensen Wedding. She loved going on walks in her stroller!

May 2010- Daddy went on his first business trip since her birth and was away for a week and it was very hard for him! Evelynn went to her first auction.

June 2010- Learned to roll over! Loved to take her diaper off, play in her joey jump up and loves her piano. Spent her first night away from home at School of Christian Missions in Grand Island.

July 2010- Started trying real food. Uncle Jesse made her fresh food with veggies from Grandma and Grandpa Whitehead's garden. I love to push myself up and see what's going on. I had my first time at a pool and on a swing and I loved it!

August 2010- Started to crawl and eating Gerber snacks. Went to the zoo for the first time with Grandma and Grandpa Busch and Uncle Chet. Was in her first parade!

September 2010- Loved to have you build towers so she can knock them over. Started using recognizable words like “Mama” “Dada” and “kitty” Perfected crawling and moved onto walking.

October 2010- First Halloween! She dressed as a tiger. Loves to play independently and getting into everything!

November 2010- First Thanksgiving! Loved to exclaim “Whoa!” and “Wow!” at everything. Loves going shopping and eating cupcakes! A big dancer, everything gets a dance break. Especially if there is music playing!

December 2010- First Christmas! She was spoiled rotten! Loves to play Chase, tag, and peek a boo. Loves cuddling with her kitties and swimming and playing in the snow. I talk on Skype to everyone! Most of all I love reading books and putting on my pretty necklaces.

January 2011- Calls the kitties “Whoa-whoa” (Willow) and “Boh-Boh” (Bagheera). Loves to play her new piano and sing. Loves putting on dress up clothes and doing fashion shows. Puts on hats, hairbands, scarves, and pretty skirts.

February 2011- First trip to the emergency room with a high fever! Loves signing words and playing with her friend Alexis. Loves playing outside and riding her bike. Has a very feisty temper!!

March 2011- Had a big birthday party with all my friends and loved ones! Can't wait to see what next year brings!!

Thanks to everyone who loved, supported, prayed, and helped us thru this year! We couldn't have done it without you!

Love,

Carrie, Seth, and Evie

I am the mother of a one year old toddler *drops dead*

Evelynn is one year old today.  Holy shit.  I don't know how to feel about it sometimes.  At times I feel overwhelmed.  There were times when I wasn't sure we were going to make it to this point.  I wonder if that was a new mom thing or a NICU baby thing?  I just can't believe a year has gone by.  Like my Dad said "time flies when your having fun", so true.  I can't wait to celebrate her birthday with all of our family and friends who really helped not only bring her into this world, but helped everyday with making her the best she can be, and alternately helping us be the best we can be as parents. 
Thank you everyone.  From the bottom of our hearts.

And now on a different topic. 
How can I clean up baby poop and vomit and God knows what else, but when it comes to anything involving the cats bodily fluids, I can't handle it.  Neither can Seth.  For some reason, Bagheera has been throwing up.  I'm pretty sure its the cheap food I've been feeding him (WHAT I HAD A COUPON!)  But he is just going to have to suffer until I get thru the four bags I got.  He doesn't have to eat the dry food.  He can get the three hundred treats I have or the fancy wet food that I give him everyday.  (And trust, he reminds me EVERY DAY that he needs it)  Anyway long story short, for the last three days I've been cleaning up cat barf.  Also because Seth has been uber busy with work, I've been responsible, for my own sanity, with scooping the cat pooper.  I say my own sanity because I hate walking around my house going "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL??" all day and then having Seth go "I don't know, I can't smell anything." or Evelyn just stare at me blankly as if to say "if it was me, you would know it".  So the first thing I do is check the garbage because we got these new bags from Sam's Club that aren't worth a shit. (It really pisses me off.  They were the exact same bags we always grab from Sam's, but for some reason they changed them and now they are complete crap.  And I only have about five thousand more bags to get rid of before I can get new ones.)  Then I check under the couches and pick up Evelynn's toys in case there is some errant food left behind (there usually is) and then, if all else fails, I scoop the cat pan.
And I gag.  I gag the whole time.  My eyes water because I'm gagging.  Retching.  Coming thisclose to vomiting all over.  What the hell.  I don't breathe out of my mouth in fear of spilling my guts everywhere. 
So last night, we heard the tell tell "huuuuuughgghghgh" and I made Seth go look.   Bagheera had barfed on the stairs.  To his credit, he doesn't barf on the carpet.  Usually a surface I can clean up.  Thanks Bags.
So this is how the conversation went:
Seth: Yeah he barfed, its everywhere *retches* oh I can't handle it.
Me: You can't handle it?  This is like the third pile I will have picked up today.  (a slight exaggeration)
Seth: *gets grump* fine.
Me: Okay if I clean it up, I get to take a bath, uninterrupted, no guilt.
Seth: (too quickly) fine, yes!
Me: Shit.

So then I pick it up.  And while I am swiping the squish grossness under a paper towel while wearing some gloves I stole from the ER while Evelynn was there (What?  If you had seen how much they charged us for leaving us alone in a room for two hours you would have stole everything in sight too, I was nervous and angry) I just started throwing up into the bag of throw up.  It was so horrible. 
But I got a long bath out of the deal.
If I had to do it all over again, I probably would.

So I'm off to enjoy a hopefully barf free day with my ONE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.  *gulp*

Love (my birthday girl),
Carrie

Bagheera, Willow, and Evelynn

Whoa-Whoa and Boh-Boh.  That's what Evelynn calls the cats.  I thought maybe I should blog about them, because I hadn't in a while, and I know that some of you come just to hear their exploits.  Also because when I first was pregnant, I couldn't find any info on BABIES AND BENGALS.  I put that in uppercase in hopes that if someone googles BABIES AND BENGALS they will come here, instead of just really cute pictures of Bengal Kittens.  Which, don't get me wrong, were a lot of fun to look at, but not informative at all. 
So what did we do once we were pregnant, well we asked the vet about it, and he really didn't have any info about preparing them for it.  Seth's Mom got us a CD of baby noises, specially made for pets to get them used to it.  They kind of just looked at the computer speakers and found somewhere else to be.
From the get go the cats were protective of my pregnant belly.  We spent many a nights cuddled together and me pushing them off the top of my belly with Evelynn alternately kicking them thru the womb.  I remember I felt like they knew before we did that I was pregnant because for the first time ever, they felt they had to sit RIGHT ON TOP OF MY LAP.  
When we brought Evelynn home, they were very curious.  They peeked thru the slats of the crib at her, climbed into my lap to sniff her.  Slowly though, they became less tolerant of her and a little more possessive of us.  These days, its a fight for attention and lap space when Seth and I sit down anywhere. 
In the mornings we can always count on Bagheera being right on top of us, looking for love and attention as soon as he hears us stir. 
Bagheera is VERY tolerant of Evie.  He lets her lay on him, pull his fur, sit on his head, smash her face into his side, and any number of things I haven't really seen.  I'm sure she has pushed his meow button once or twice.  Willow tries to stay out of her way and off the floor so Evelynn doesn't get to close to her.  Every now and then she will allow Evelynn to yank on her tail.  She loves all the baby toys.  She spends her time stealing foam letters to gnaw on and batting at lose balls from the ball popper.  The other day she brought Evie her "mousy" to play with, so I think she is coming around.
When Evie went mobile the cats were definitely freaked out, but now they have accepted her in their space and know they aren't getting rid of her anytime soon.
We put all of their food and cat pans in protected spaces, so a lot of times you can find them hanging out there. 
By and by, we will make it work.  We are all family, right?

Love (fur babies and real babies),
Carrie

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

I'm not one who enjoys getting rid of my stuff. I take pride in my pack rat status, which- I resolutely believe I inherited from my Grandmother.
I find comfort in my closets bursting with junk. I love finding old photographs or shirts and smiling at the memories the incur.
Just today I thought to myself, I wonder where I would get sheet music for kids for Evelynn to play on her new piano? Then I remembered, my mom still has all of our piano books from the days we took lessons as kids. Little things like that spur me to hang onto things even tighter.
All of my magazines now are proclaiming that I should dump things out with spring cleaning. But I don't think they have ever felt the swell of the heart when you pull out a sparkly mini dress you haven't worn since your hoochie days in college and your kids eyes light up at the awesome dress up clothes you pulled out of the closet.
Maybe its because I'm an Army Brat. My whole life I tend to cling to things a little to tightly because inevitably I would move and lose half of it. When I got to college and found myself in a place where I knew I wasn't going to have to lose people, I had trouble letting go. Even when I knew they were bad for me. The simple act of telling someone to get out of my life was unfathomable to me at the time.
So now I sit in a house, full to bursting with, for lack of a more refined word, crap. I've tried to contain it with baskets and totes and even space bags. I've weeded thru some of it, given tiny bits away to the Vets or sold items on craigslist for money. I'll probably never part with my Grandpa's rocking chair, which was part of a family set that I recently sold on craiglist. Seth was mad because it was our first "furniture" when we moved out to South Dakota together. Before that it was the fancy set we bought to match the giant TV we got when we moved back to the states my senior year. But that rocking chair is special. After my rhinoplasty, its where I sat in misery as my family members paraded by occasionally stopping to check in on me and bring me food and gifts. It was like my throne. My sad sad little throne. After that we split up the set and gave the chair to my Grandpa. When he went into the hospital my Dad brought it back to me because I offered to use my fancy new steam cleaner to get it nice again. Grandpa never took it back. He died later that month. For a long time it sat in my basement. Partly because that was where the rest of the set was and partly because I wasn't ready to deal with it. Recently, like a bug in my ear, I decided I was ready to have it back in my life. Especially after selling the rest of the set. I had Seth and my Dad bring it upstairs and I recovered it with the fancy microfiber cover I bought to match the nursery. Just in time for Evelynn's first serious fever amd subsequent cold. I have spent the last couple weeks rocking my baby to sleep in that chair and rocking myself as well. Sometimes when I'm sitting in it at three in the morning reading a book and rocking with the snot queen, I sink a little further into the chair and swear I'm getting a hug from my grandpa, who most days, I still have trouble accepting is gone.
So why would I get rid of that? So my kid could have a couple more inches of space to put a basket that will be inevitability filled with junk? Trust me, my kid has the ability to string entire rooms across the house. Just this morning I found my pastry comb inside a bookshelf. I guess the books were looking to cut shortening into flour and asked Evie to get it.
And I don't know how many people I have helped with fancy dresses to wear to parties or end tables for a living room or a foot spa bath for a poor pregnant lady.
One thing I am trying to improve at is better organizing my clutter. But I think that might require a professional. Any volunteers? No? Ah well, I guess I'll see you all on Hoarders!

Love (my junk),
Carrie
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry