Inappropriate emailing on caffeine high or what I did today at work

So in an effort to continue my pity party and hide from the feelings I should be expelling and getting out instead keeping in-I have lead a wild and crazy life today at work...

I think it started last night...first off, last night-I took an Ambien, which is the GREATEST SLEEPING PILL OF ALL TIME. Everyone should take them, if I loved you all enough to give them away I would, but I don’t even love Seth enough to give him one, that’s how much I love these things.
So I woke up from my refreshing Ambien induced coma this morning-LATE because sleeping feels SO GOOD on Ambien, that I rushed around my room and picked up whatever wayfare of clothing that was at the top of the laundry basket the big strong husband man carried up last night from the basement.
Unfortunately on a high from my decision to take an Ambien, I threw my lounging fleece (that the cats sleep on) on the top of the basket.
Some not yet quite awake part of my brain this morning said-“Ooo wear THAT to work-you will be COMFY all day and you will SMELL like CAT BUTT and it will be divine! Best Friday EVER! *fist pump*” and then it said “Also, put a really inappropriate shirt on underneath it so when you are dying of heat stroke because the heaters are on FULL BLAST you can’t take off the fleece!” and I said "I LOVE BEING COMFY" and promptly put them both on a skipped off in a happy daze to start Seth’s coffee. Then on my way out the door instead of putting on my normal sneakers or boots that same stupid part of my brain said “You know what would be way better than THOSE shoes? Your beat to hell comfy fur matted CLOGS that Seth won’t even let you wear to WALMART because they are so gross and embarassing-your feet will be so HAPPY all day-and NO you don’t need to change out of your hot pink fuzzy socks that you wear under boots even though your heels are sticking out!” and I said “GREAT!” and I slid them right on and bopped out the door.

*A sidebar here-this has happened to me before in life. The first time it happened was when I was in fifth grade. I remember it clearly, some part of my brain said-"you know what Carrie-you should take your blankie to school and then you will feel warm and comfy and happy ALL DAY and no one will notice that you've wrapped it around your midsection and pulled it through your armpit hole of your sleeve on your sweatshirt so you can rub it on your face all day like a crazy person-no of course they won't wonder why it looks like you gained 10 pounds and got elephantits of the arm over night!" After relentless teasing all day by the kids, the teacher made me put my blankie in my locker-that was the day I realized I was VERY different from most kids...end sidebar*

I got to work, and still on my pity party poor decision making quest I decided-you know what-screw giving up caffeine-I can drink as MUCH as I want *evil laughter* and I began my quest to drink NPP out of FREE ICE TEA. In fact I have drank so much Ice Tea today that 45% of my day has been in the bathroom and 20% of it downstairs getting free ice tea (Ice tea or Iced tea? Which is it?) and whatever percent is left over emailing and reading Joshilyn Jackson’s blog about being a writer-and I’m in the backlog of 2005 entries and she’s just getting her first book published in her journey of awesome authorness that I would like to be on myself-which one whole section made me cry hysterically in my cube because I was SO happy for her and I wanted to be on that journey so BAD-like yesterday, I want to be her. Period. At which point the engineers around me began to ogle each other with big concerned eyes like, “Why is the frumpy fleece-cat butt smelling-shoes from a trashcan girl CRYING? Loudly?” So I promptly ran off to the bathroom-like any sane person would do. Which later induced me to send this email to my friend Jenny who used to work at NPP with me:

“Okay I’ve got one for you: Do you remember the lady who looks like half of her face is melted or just stopped working? She is short and round and used to wear cool hip glasses and have short hair and dressed nice, but it was obvious that she was trying to detract the fact that SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HER FACE? I see her in the bathroom like 20 times a day and she remembers me and makes convestion with me and I have to nagging in my head questions-what the heck is your name (I think, maybe Michelle?) and what in the world happened to your face (a dog ate it?)?? Help!!!”

To which she nicely remembered the person’s name-unlike the HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING I AM. To which I responded:

“I was going to ask you what she does because I’ve never seen her anywhere but the bathroom…maybe she lives there…maybe she is a ghost of the bathrooms. She has long hair now and contacts and even classier clothes but she is still screaming-I TRY TO HARD SO THAT YOU DON’T NOTICE MY FACE! She drives me bananas because I don’t know where to look in those situations, it’s hard to look her in the eye, I generally avoid making eye contact at all which probably makes me seem really shady.”

To which she sweetly told me she would find out what was wrong with her from one of her doctors to which CARRIE THE HORRIBLE CAFFINEE HIGH SHOULD HAVE HER EMAIL RIGHTS REVOKED WROTE:

“That makes you sound so smart. And please do, that way I will feel even worse for thinking all those times when I come out of the bathroom and it’s her and I go-“OH NO! Not awkward melty face!!! Anyone but her! Come on!”

To which she laughed and saintly explained to me about melty face to which the woman with OBVIOUSLY NO HUMANITY NAMED CARRIE writes:

I tried to wait her out once, it took her like 20 minutes to floss, finally I was like oh for petes sake and I sucked it up and went out there.

At some point everything gets a little hazy and the clock starts moving backwards and I begin to concoct a plan to smell this guy because I’m pretty sure he smells awesome. It takes me a backwards hour to concoct said plan because I make multiple segues, some which involve me taking my pants off. At some point I actually SMELLED the guy. And he smelled good. Then I sent this email string to Carrie R...

Me: I just got close enough to smell nuclear hot guy and he smelled like grease, and sweat and a number of other things that made my head go to funny places…
Carrie R.: That’s hot. LOL
Me: It has been the most exciting part of my day. That and my crack fueled caffeine binge I’ve been on. I drank at least a gallon of ice tea but had to cut myself off when the clock started going BACKWARDS (how is it only two pm!?!), I got a stomach ache, and in my boredom concocted a plan to smell NHG and it WORKED.
Carrie R.: You should blog that.
Me: I should!

Which is why I am here now. I also emailed a similar string to about 80 of my friends…and my Mom. Instead of encouraging me to blog she wrote: “Scary” to which I responded “…yeah, that’s what his face indicated mid sniff”

So here is the moral of the story…I don’t have one. But Kathy just emailed me this lovely email, and she is NOT on a caffeine high (I think) so I rest assured that I’m not the only one who sends random emails…
Kathy: Great iTunes thinks I am a lesbian... Download a few songs and then BAM! They suggest Gay Pride Girls.
Me: I’m using that in my blog about inappropriate emailing!
Kathy: Don't laugh too hard missy, these are songs WE used to listen to together. So, if I am going down you are going down with me. No wonder your family thought well... you know

HAHAHA She is referring to the story about my Grandma’s funeral which is HILARIOUS by the way. But I don’t have time or brain capacity to recount here. Maybe if some of you are NICE and actually COMMENT in the comments section-and ask to hear it I might tell it. Especially since sweet smart husband fixed my comments section last night so EVERYONE-even dirty spammy people can comment in my blog comment section. Instead of whatever whack-a-doodle setting I just had it set for.

PS-In one of my 30 trips to the bathroom while trying to write this blog, I passed my boss and he goes “In a hurry to get back to your desk?” which means I must be walking very very fast back and forth, and I said “Yes! Very excited! Very excited to be back working here and I promise on Monday I will wear REAL shoes that make me go faster back to my desk after I go the bathroom! By the way-do you know what the melty face girl does?”

My next blog will be about the wildly inappropriate things I’ve said to my boss and how he still employs me and likes me which makes him the BEST boss ever.

Have a GREAT weekend everyone!!!