Things I learned in an aiplane bathroom in .2 seconds...

Hello all, I’m sure you have been on the edge of your seats just waiting to read what I have to write. I will do my best to live up to all expectations set forth by Baggage Master Carrie. I will also do my best to use perfect spelling and grammar…this will almost never happen as all blogs will be written in haste while looking over my shoulder, praying my boss doesn’t catch me screwing off. Here we go…..

****WARNING****
This blog was originally a PRIVATE email written to Carrie. It’s slightly disturbing, pretty gross, and quite embarrassing. Apparently I have no shame…Those of you who are particularly uncomfortable with “lady things” should stop reading now.

My friend Andrea and I took a trip to San Antonio last weekend. This is how it started off…

Our flight left at 2:00, so like any two Omahans who are ready get to business we decided to start our vacation at 11:00 at The Green Onion.

Now, while back in my prime, I could throw a few back with out a problem, age and responsibility have caught up with me and after two drinks at The Onion I stood up and started to pray that I didn't look as drunk as I felt!!

Holy-moly I hope they let me on the plane…

*Fast-forward through boring checking in and security stuff*

We board the plane and Andrea who is in Grad School and as I always put it is still "living the life" looks at me and says "what are you drinking?" Well I am not about to be out done so before I could stop myself I proclaim "Vodka, Cranberry" - a decision I at first regretted but then threw caution to the wind

Who cares? You’re on Vacation!

I'll spare you all the details but after a layover (and two shots) we were on our second flight. Andrea looks at me again and asks "whaddd yaa drrinkking" - I think you know how the rest of this part goes.

About half way into our 50 minute flight I have to pee (surprise!) I hate, hate, hate airplane bathrooms!!! Almost more than porta potties!! So after holding it for what seemed like an eternity (I'm sure it was actually about 45 seconds in sober time) I surrender to the urge and make my way to the back of the plane.

I get into what amounts to be, a small closet with a toilet, that I am sure sucks down small children, and finally am relieved of the ache in my stretching bladder. As I am wrapping things up I notice that I'm bleeding!!! For most this would be a normal occurrence that happens about once a month but I'm "lucky" enough to have this implant thingy that has, or so I thought, stopped my friend from visiting entirely. I stared in disbelief trying to connect dots that I was too drunk to see. I was startled into in a brief second of sobriety as the flight attendant knocked on the door and asked if I was OK...

How long have I been in here??? Ok L’ara, wrap it up before she comes barging in here and you are starring at toilet paper like you've never had a period before!!

I made it back to my seat and drunk whispered, aka practically yelled, to Andrea that I had just gotten my first period in six months and needed a lady product. She obliged and with tampon in hand I made my second journey back up the aisle to my personal closet of hell. Now the flight attendant is looking really worried.

What? Do you think I just pulled a bomb out of my vagina and am about to blow us all up?!! Haven’t you ever had a period before? *shoots flight attendant dirty looks*

So I get to the bathroom and realize that they are both "occupied"

Perfect...wait, what is that? Is something dripping down my leg? I think I remember something about alcohol thinning your blood......holly shit!!!! GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM OR I'LL KILL YOU!!

Why are you looking at me like that woman!!! I don't have any bombs!! Do I look like a terrorist!!! Finally!!!!

*SIGHS*

Wow this guy's enormous how did he even fit his large ass in there??

Apparently, I learned, that if a guy is too fat to see his member and can barely even fit in the bathroom then he just walks in there and pees all over the place.

Perfect! Now what?!?!

So trying my best to be a trooper I attempt to "insert" if you will, my lady product with out touching a single thing in the bathroom. Considering the fact that I was hammered, it was going pretty well....until we hit turbulence. I discovered that, despite what anyone may tell you, it is possible to skin your knee, stab yourself in the ovary, whack your head and land in a toilet seat covered in someone else piss in a mere .2 seconds.

So there you have it, my first guest blog.