Bathroom Stories; Part Duce

Hello all! I am back to tell another bathroom story. I am bit disturbed, as you may be, that my only two contributions to this blog are about bathroom incidences. So I asked my self why. The reason, I think, is because I only want to post stories that are funny and might brighten your day. Apparently funny things only happen to me in the bathroom…so here we go with the second installment of “Bathroom Stories”

OK, I should start this story by telling you some of my public rest-room habits/routines/phobias.
First, whenever I walk into a public rest-room I try to figure out how many other people are in said rest-room. I do this by listening, looking at the doors that are closed, looking through the cracks in the stalls, and if it comes down to it, looking under the stalls. Once that has been determined I move on to step two and pick my stall. This decision is based on several criteria. First, are there any obvious offensives ie: pee on the seat or someone forgot to flush. Second, is there a stall with no neighbors? Third, the second stall is my least favorite. I read a study that said the second stall is the most frequently used. Least frequently, and my favorite is the first. My worst case scenario is for there to be only one person in the rest-room who is in the second stall. First because then I feel uncomfortable about choosing my favorite first stall because then I have a neighbor and I think that's weird. It's like at the movies or in waiting rooms. You don't just sit right next to someone you don't know unless there are no other options. Second because I hate, hate, hate when there is only one other person in there. Why you ask? Because I prefer all bathroom activities to remain anonymous. If there are only two people in there you know exactly who is doing what. Give me an empty bathroom or a crowd!!! I know what you’re thinking, and no it's not because I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. It's because after someone lets out a huge sigh of relief while peeing or makes a disgusted grunt when they are changing their lady product I can't stand looking them in the face while we both primp and wash our hands. Heaven forbid you see them later that day or in a meeting at work!! They are going on about gross margin, COGS, and contribution and here I am thinking to myself "Oh yeah, well your vagina smells like cat food!"

Ok so here is my story;
So the other day I walked into the bathroom. I realize right away that my beloved first stall is open!

Yes!!

I also quickly realize however that someone is in the second.

Darn it!!

I carefully walk down the row of stalls peeking though the cracks to see which are occupied and realize that it's my worse case scenario: one person in the second stall. So I do the only decent thing and go into the handicap stall so there is a stall buffer between the two of us. I should also tell you that it is very hard for me to pee when I'm in this worse case scenario. The whole time I am trying to make sure that not a single sound other than my pee hitting the water in the toilet is made. So I'm sitting there trying to pee when I hear a strange sound, a sound I've never heard in a public rest-room before.

What is that? Is that what I think it is? NO WAY!! Is someone seriously reading a magazine on the can in the rest-room at work?!?!?! What on earth is she doing in a public restroom that requires reading materials!?!?

Then as if she could read my mind, she answered my question.


HOLY SHIT!! That came out of a person!?!?! Did that horrible sound come for her mouth or her ass?? A combination of both!?!? Who does that at work!!! I have got to get out of here.

I instantly got up (without peeing) zipped up and ran out of there as fast as I could!!!

I’m not washing my hands! She might come out, and hand washing or not we both know who the gross one is here!! Hurry L’ara before you see who it is and have to sit across from her in a meeting for two hours with a strait face!!!

I was so alarmed I forgot I had to pee.